A Coffee Shop Conversation

Good evening, everyone. As we continue our journey through the Ten Commandments in our series "Old Laws for a New Life," we come to a pivotal point. We've explored the first four commandments, which primarily deal with our relationship with God. Now, we're shifting gears to focus on our relationships with others, starting with the most fundamental human relationship: the family.

Let's begin by reading our text for today, Exodus 20:12:

"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12 (ESV)

Now, before we dive into the depths of this commandment, I want you to take a moment and think about your parents. What emotions come up? For some of you, thoughts of your parents might bring warmth, gratitude, and love. For others, it might stir up complicated feelings, maybe even pain or resentment. And for some, it might be a mix of both. Wherever you find yourself, I want you to know that this commandment has something profound to say to you today.

I’d like to start by having you imagine a story with me. You’re sitting in a coffee shop, and you overhear a conversation between middle-aged women at the next table. They’re talking about their aging parents, and it’s clear they are both struggling with similar challenges. One woman, let's call her Rachel, says "I love my dad, I really do. But he's so stubborn! The doctor told him he needs to start using a walker, and he flat out refuses. He almost fell last week, and I'm terrified he's going to seriously hurt himself." Her friend, Nicole, nods sympathetically. "I get it. My mom's the same way with her medication. She insists she doesn't need it, even though her blood pressure is through the roof. It's like arguing with a brick wall sometimes." Sarah sighs, "And don't even get me started on trying to convince my dad to let us help with his finances. He's always been so independent, and I know he sees it as losing his dignity. But bills are piling up, and I'm worried sick." "It's hard," Lisa agrees. "We're basically parenting our parents now. I never thought it would be this challenging. Sometimes I feel guilty for getting frustrated with her, you know? But it's exhausting."

Honoring our parents isn't just about obedience when we're children or making a nice speech at their anniversary or retirement party. It's about the day-to-day reality of caring for them, respecting their dignity, and navigating the complex emotions that come with changing roles. These women in this thought experiment weren't trying to dishonor their parents. In fact, their concern and efforts to help were a form of honor. But it was clear that honoring their parents in this season of life was far from easy. It involved patience, sacrifice, and sometimes making tough decisions for their parents' well-being. And this is the reality of honoring our parents for many of us. It's not always about grand gestures or warm fuzzy feelings.

Sometimes it's about having difficult conversations, setting boundaries, and showing love even when it's hard. And that's why we need to understand this commandment deeply. It's not just about childhood obedience; it's about a lifelong commitment to valuing and caring for the people who parented us, even when that care looks different than we might have expected.

The Fifth Commandment: A Bridge in the Decalogue

Let's start by looking at where this commandment sits in the overall structure of the Ten Commandments. The fifth commandment is unique because it serves as a bridge between the first four commandments, which focus on our relationship with God, and the last five, which deal with our relationships with others.

Remember what Jesus said when He was asked about the greatest commandment? In Matthew 22:37-40, He responds:

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”” – Matthew 22:37-40 (ESV)

Here's what I love about this passage so much: Jesus is essentially telling the man the Ten Commandments here. The first four commandments are about loving God, and the last six are about loving our neighbor. And right there in the middle, bridging these two sections, is the command to honor our parents.

And this positioning is significant. It suggests that how we relate to our parents has implications for both our relationship with God and our relationships with others. It's as if God is saying, "If you want to understand how to love me and how to love others, start by honoring your parents."

Understanding "Honor" in Its Cultural Context

Now, let's dig into what it means to "honor" our parents. The Hebrew word used here is כַּבֵּד (kabbed), which carries a sense of "weighing heavily" or "giving weight to." It's related to the word כָּבוֹד (kavod), which means "glory" and is often used to describe the weighty presence of God. This word comes from the root כבד (k-b-d), which is associated with heaviness or weight. When we honor someone or something, we are attributing weight or significance to them. It's about recognizing their importance and treating them accordingly. This goes beyond mere obedience or respect – it's about truly valuing the role and personhood of our parents.

Let's look at how this word is used in other contexts in the Old Testament to shed more light on its meaning:

1. In Exodus 14:4, God says He will gain glory (אִכָּבְדָה, ikkabdah) through Pharaoh. This use of the word shows that honor or glory can be given even through actions of those who don't intend to give it. In the context of honoring parents, this might remind us that our actions toward our parents reflect on and can bring honor to God, even in difficult relationships.

2. In 1 Samuel 2:30, God says, "Those who honor me I will honor." This isn't a simple tit-for-tat arrangement, but a profound spiritual principle. As we see in the context of Eli's family, God's honor isn't about mere lip service or holding a position, but about genuine reverence reflected in obedience. When we truly honor God, He responds by elevating us spiritually, though this may not always align with worldly concepts of honor. This reciprocal nature of honor suggests that there's a blessing in honoring others, including our parents. It's not about earning favor, but about aligning ourselves with God's values.

3. In Proverbs 3:9, we're told to honor the Lord with our wealth. This goes beyond mere financial transaction. It's about recognizing God's provision and responding with gratitude and trust. This shows that honor isn't just about attitudes but also can be exhibited through tangible actions. Applied to parents, this could mean possibly helping to support them materially, like in the thought experiment at the beginning, or even emotionally.

When we apply these nuances to honoring our parents, we see that it involves recognizing their role in our lives, expecting God to respond when we honor them, and backing up our honor with concrete actions.

In the ancient Near Eastern context, honoring parents wasn't just about being respectful or obedient. It encompassed a whole range of responsibilities, including things like:

1. Respecting their authority

2. Caring for them in their old age

3. Preserving the family name and legacy

4. Passing on their teachings to the next generation

This concept of honor was deeply ingrained in the social fabric of ancient Israel. The family was the primary unit of society, responsible for not just providing children, but also values, traditions, and most importantly, the covenant relationship with God.

In Deuteronomy 6:6-7 we read:

"And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” – Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (ESV)

Parents were tasked with the crucial role of passing on the faith to the next generation. Honoring parents, then, wasn't just about individual family dynamics. It was about preserving the spiritual heritage of the entire nation.

But in many ancient cultures, respect for elders and ancestors was a common value. However, the Israelite law took this a step further by embedding it in their fundamental moral code, directly connected to their covenant relationship with God. In other ancient Near Eastern legal codes, such as the Code of Hammurabi, we find laws about family relationships, but they're often focused on inheritance rights or punishments for disobedience. The Israelite law, in contrast, positively commands honor and links it to the wellbeing of the entire nation.

This kind of emphasis on family as a cornerstone of society was distinct. While other cultures might have focused primarily on the authority of the state or the king, Israel's law recognized the family as a vital component of societal stability, reflecting a view of society built from the bottom up, with strong families as the foundation, rather than from the top down. The uniqueness of this commandment in the ancient Near East underscores its importance. Like we’ve talked about, God was establishing a different kind of society, one where family relationships were seen as crucial to the nation's spiritual and social health.

The Promise Attached to the Commandment

This brings us to the promise attached to this commandment: "that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." This is the only commandment in the Decalogue that comes with an explicit promise. But what does it mean?

Some have interpreted this as a promise of individual long life for those who honor their parents. While there's certainly wisdom in this interpretation – after all, respecting our parents' guidance can often keep us from harmful choices – I think there's something deeper going on here. When interpreting the Bible, understanding the context and who the original audience is (or in other words, who this was written to originally) is incredibly important. Remember, God is speaking to Israel as a nation. The promise of long life in the land is tied to their collective obedience to the covenant. As Peter Enns points out in his commentary, this promise is less about individual longevity and more about the stability and continuity of the nation as a whole.

This sheds some light on things for today as well.

Think of it this way: When children honor their parents, learning from their wisdom and carrying forward their values, if those values are biblical values (as they should be) this creates a stable society. It ensures that the knowledge of God and His ways are passed down from generation to generation. This kind of society, grounded in respect for God-given authority and wisdom, is one that can endure, thrive, and have longevity.

It's like God is saying, "If you want to have a lasting presence in this land I'm giving you, start by honoring your parents. That's the foundation for a society that can stand the test of time." And since we’re talking about context, this aspect of the promise aligns with other parts of the Old Testament as well. For instance, in Deuteronomy 6:1-3, Moses connects obedience to God's commands (which would include honoring parents) with long life and prosperity in the land for the entire nation:

"Now this is the commandment—the statutes and the rules—that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you, that you may do them in the land to which you are going over, to possess it, that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your son and your son's son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be long. Hear therefore, O Israel, and be careful to do them, that it may go well with you, and that you may multiply greatly, as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey." – Deuteronomy 6:1-3 (ESV)

Jeremiah 35:7

This passage clearly links obedience to God's commands with national prosperity and longevity. The promise attached to the fifth commandment, then, is not just about individual blessing but about the wellbeing of the entire community, and serves as the perfect bridge in the Ten Commandments between loving God and loving your neighbor.

Jesus and the Fifth Commandment

Now, let's fast forward to the New Testament and see how Jesus interacts with this commandment. In Mark 7:9-13, we find Jesus in a heated debate with the Pharisees:

And he said to them, “You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’ But you say, ‘If a man tells his father or his mother, “Whatever you would have gained from me is Corban”’ (that is, given to God)— then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, thus making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And many such things you do.” – Mark 7:9-13 (ESV)

Jesus is addressing a practice called "Corban," where people would dedicate their property to God as a way of avoiding their responsibility to care for their aging parents. They were using a religious loophole to sidestep the clear command to honor their parents. So what does Jesus do? He cuts through this hypocrisy, showing that true honor for parents can't be replaced by religious rituals or traditions. He's emphasizing that the heart of the commandment is about tangible care and respect, not just lip service.

But Jesus doesn't just defend the fifth commandment; He embodies it. Even from the cross, in the midst of excruciating pain, Jesus makes provision for His mother's care:

“When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home.” – John 19:26-27 (ESV)

In His dying moments, Jesus is honoring His mother, ensuring she will be cared for after His death. This is a powerful example of how seriously Jesus took this commandment, and how it extends beyond childhood into adult responsibility.

The Fifth Commandment and the New Testament

While we've looked at Jesus' teaching on this commandment, it's worth also exploring how it's treated in the rest of the New Testament, particularly in Paul's letters.

In Ephesians 6:1-3, Paul directly quotes the fifth commandment:

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”” – Ephesians 6:1-3 (ESV)

It's significant that Paul, writing to a primarily Gentile audience, still sees this commandment as relevant. He's taking a command originally given to Israel and applying it to the new covenant community of the church.

But Paul doesn't stop there. He goes on to address fathers:

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4)

This is a crucial addition. Paul recognizes that for children to honor their parents, parents should also be acting in a way worthy of honor. They have a responsibility to nurture their children spiritually and emotionally, not to abuse their role in their lives. And I point this out, because this reciprocal view of family relationships reflects the New Testament's broader emphasis on mutual submission within the body of Christ (Ephesians 5:21). It suggests that in Christian families, honor should flow both ways – children honoring parents, and parents honoring children by raising them with love and godly wisdom.

The Challenge of Honoring Parents Today

Now, I know what some of you might be thinking. "That's all well and good, but you don't know my parents. You don't know our history." And you're right, I don't. The reality is, for many of us, the command to honor our parents can be one of the most challenging of the Ten Commandments. Maybe you grew up in a home where abuse was present. Perhaps your parents abandoned you, either physically or emotionally. Maybe your relationship with your parents is strained by past hurts or ongoing conflicts. How do we honor parents in these difficult situations?

First, let me be clear: honoring your parents does not mean enabling abuse or subjecting yourself to harmful or downright sinful situations. It doesn't mean pretending that everything is fine when it's not. Sometimes, the most honoring thing we can do is to establish healthy boundaries. But here's where we need to dig deeper into what "honor" really means. Remember, the Hebrew word כַּבֵּד (kabbed) is about giving weight or significance to something. In the context of difficult parent-child relationships, honoring might look like:

1. Acknowledging the role your parents played in bringing you into the world, even if their parenting was flawed.

2. Recognizing that your parents, like you, are imperfect human beings in need of God's grace.

3. Choosing to forgive, and not just for their sake, but for your own spiritual and emotional health.

4. Seeking healing and breaking negative cycles so that you don't pass on generational wounds.

Honoring difficult parents doesn't mean pretending the past didn't happen. It means refusing to let the past define your future. It means choosing, with God's help, to write a different story for the next generation.

I'm reminded of the story of Joseph in the Old Testament. Here's a man who had every reason to dishonor his family. His brothers sold him into slavery out of jealousy. He spent years in prison because of false accusations. But when he finally had the power to retaliate, what did he do? He chose to honor his family by forgiving them and providing for them. Joseph says to his brothers in Genesis 50:20,

" As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." – Genesis 50:20 (ESV)

This is a profound example of honoring parents and family members even in the face of deep hurt. Joseph didn't minimize the wrong that was done to him, but he chose to see how God had worked even through those painful circumstances.

Another powerful example from the Old Testament is the story of David and Saul. Saul was, in a sense, a father figure to David, and also his father-in-law. Despite Saul's attempts to kill him, David consistently chose to honor Saul's position, even when he had opportunities for revenge. This didn't mean David allowed Saul to harm him – he kept his distance when necessary – but he refused to dishonor Saul's God-given authority. In 1 Samuel 24, when David had the opportunity to kill Saul in the cave, he instead only cut off a corner of Saul's robe. Later, he said to Saul:

"See, my father, see the corner of your robe in my hand. For by the fact that I cut off the corner of your robe and did not kill you, you may know and see that there is no wrong or treason in my hands. I have not sinned against you, though you hunt my life to take it." - 1 Samuel 24:11 (ESV)

David's words and actions show a deep respect for the position Saul held, even when Saul himself was acting dishonorably. This is a challenging model, but it shows us that it's possible to honor the position of a parent without endorsing or enabling their harmful behavior.

Practical Ways to Honor Parents

So, how do we practically apply this commandment in our lives today? Let me suggest a few ways:

1. Express gratitude: Take time to thank your parents for specific things they've done for you. Even if your relationship is strained, try to find something positive you can acknowledge.

2. Seek their wisdom: Your parents have lived longer than you and have experiences you can learn from. Even if you don't always agree with their advice, showing that you value their perspective is a form of honor.

3. Care for them in their old age: This might involve practical support, financial assistance, or simply being present and attentive to their needs.

4. Speak respectfully about them to others: How we talk about our parents, especially to our own children, can either honor or dishonor them.

5. Preserve family heritage: Learn about your family history and pass on positive family traditions to the next generation.

6. Pray for them: Regardless of the state of your relationship, commit to praying regularly for your parents.

7. Seek reconciliation where possible: If there are unresolved conflicts, prayerfully consider steps toward healing and reconciliation.

8. Honor their memory: For those whose parents have passed away, we can still honor them by how we live and how we speak of them to others.

Remember, honoring your parents doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they say or do. It doesn't mean you can't make your own choices or live your own life. It's about recognizing the significant role they've played in your life and treating that role with respect.

The Broader Impact of Honoring Parents

Now, let's zoom out a bit and consider the broader impact of this commandment on society as a whole. Why does God place such emphasis on honoring parents? What happens in a society where this commandment is taken seriously?

First, honoring parents creates a culture of respect for authority. When children learn to honor their parents, they're more likely to respect other forms of legitimate authority – teachers, employers, government officials. This doesn't mean blind obedience, but rather a recognition that authority structures, when used properly, can contribute to a well-functioning society.

Secondly, it ensures the transmission of wisdom and values from one generation to the next. In a rapidly changing world, there's a temptation to dismiss the insights of older generations as outdated or irrelevant. But when we honor our parents and elders, we create space to learn from their experiences, to build on their successes, and to learn from their mistakes.

Proverbs 1:8-9 speaks to this:

"Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck." – Proverbs 1:8-9 (ESV)

This passage paints a beautiful picture of parental wisdom as an adornment, something that enhances and beautifies the life of the child who heeds it.

Thirdly, it provides a safety net for the elderly. In ancient Israel, there was no social security system or retirement homes. The command to honor parents ensured that the elderly would be cared for by their children. While our social structures are different today, the principle of caring for the older generation remains crucial for a compassionate society.

Fourthly, it strengthens family bonds, which in turn strengthens society. Strong families create stable communities. When family relationships are characterized by honor and respect, it creates a ripple effect that impacts neighborhoods, schools, workplaces, and beyond.

Fifthly, and lastly, and perhaps most importantly, honoring parents reflects something of our relationship with God. As we learned in our study of the first commandment, God is our ultimate Father. Learning to honor our earthly parents, with all their flaws and limitations, can certainly teach us a thing or two about honoring our perfect Heavenly Father.

The Fifth Commandment and Modern Family Dynamics

Our understanding of family has changed significantly since ancient Israel. We now have blended families, single-parent households, adoptive families, and various other family structures. How does the fifth commandment apply in these contexts?

The principle of honoring those in parental roles can extend beyond biological parents. For those raised by grandparents, step-parents, adoptive parents, or other guardians, the command to honor applies to these relationships too. In blended families, honoring parents might involve respecting step-parents and stepsiblings, even while maintaining primary loyalty to biological parents. It's about recognizing and respecting the complex web of relationships that make up our families. For those who are adopted, honoring parents can involve gratitude for adoptive parents while also respecting one's biological heritage. It might involve wrestling with complex emotions about biological parents who gave them up for adoption. In single-parent households, children might need to honor the parent who's present while also finding ways to honor an absent parent appropriately. This could involve respecting the memory of a deceased parent or honoring a distant parent while maintaining healthy boundaries. For those raised in foster care or institutional settings, honoring parents might look different. It could involve honoring those who played parental roles, while also finding healthy ways to process feelings about biological parents.

In all these situations, the key is to recognize the intent behind the commandment – to create strong family bonds that contribute to a stable society and reflect our relationship with God.

Honoring Parents in a Fallen World

Now, let's address one of the most challenging aspects of this commandment: how do we honor parents who have hurt us deeply?

Honoring parents does not mean:

1. Subjecting yourself to abuse

2. Pretending that wrongs never happened

3. Allowing destructive patterns to continue

4. Giving up your own identity or values

Honoring parents in difficult situations might involve:

1. Setting healthy boundaries

2. Seeking professional help to work through past hurts

3. Choosing to forgive (which is for your benefit, not theirs)

4. Praying for your parents

5. Breaking negative cycles so you don't pass on generational wounds

In cases of abuse or severe dysfunction, honoring parents might mean maintaining a safe distance while still treating them with basic human dignity. It might mean praying for their repentance and healing from afar. It could involve seeking justice through appropriate channels while still resisting the temptation to seek personal vengeance. Remember, even Jesus, who perfectly honored His Heavenly Father, set boundaries with His earthly family when necessary. In Mark 3:31-35, when told His mother and brothers were outside asking for Him, Jesus responded:

“And his mother and his brothers came, and standing outside they sent to him and called him. And a crowd was sitting around him, and they said to him, “Your mother and your brothers are outside, seeking you.” And he answered them, “Who are my mother and my brothers?” And looking about at those who sat around him, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother.” – Mark 3:31-35 (ESV)

Jesus wasn't dishonoring His family here, but He was making it clear that His primary allegiance was to His Heavenly Father and to those who followed God's will.

The Gospel and Honoring Parents

As we wrap up, I want us to consider how the gospel – the good news of what Jesus has done for us – relates to this commandment.

First, the gospel reminds us that we all fall short of God's standards, including this commandment. None of us has perfectly honored our parents. We've all had moments of disrespect, disobedience, or dishonor. The good news is that Jesus lived the life of perfect honor that we couldn't. He perfectly honored both His heavenly Father and His earthly parents.

Secondly, the gospel provides forgiveness and healing for our failures in this area. Whether you've dishonored your parents or been dishonored as a parent, the cross of Christ offers forgiveness and a new start. Colossians 2:13-14 tells us:

And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.” – Colossians 2:13-14 (ESV)

Our failures to honor our parents, along with all our other sins, were nailed to the cross with Christ. We're forgiven and set free.

Thirdly, the gospel empowers us to honor our parents in a way we couldn't on our own. Through the indwelling Holy Spirit, we're given the power to love, forgive, and honor even when it's difficult. Galatians 5:22-23 speaks of the fruit of the Spirit, which includes love, patience, kindness, and self-control – all qualities that can help us honor our parents.

Fourthly, the gospel gives us a new family. For those whose relationships with their earthly parents are broken beyond repair, or for those who never knew their parents, the church becomes a new family where we can both give and receive honor. Jesus promised in Mark 10:29-30:

"Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life." – Mark 10:29-30 (ESV)

Fifth, and lastly, the gospel points us to our ultimate source of identity and worth. While honoring our parents is important, our primary identity isn't as someone's son or daughter, but as a child of God. This frees us to honor our parents without being enslaved to their approval or defined by their failures. 1 John 3:1 reminds us:

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." – 1 John 3:1 (ESV)

A Challenge

As we close, I want to challenge each of you to take some concrete steps this week to honor your parents:

1. If your parents are still living, reach out to them. Express gratitude for something specific they've done for you.

2. If your relationship with your parents is strained, pray for them. Ask God to help you see them through His eyes of love and grace.

3. If your parents have passed away, take some time to reflect on their legacy. What positive qualities or values did they instill in you that you can pass on to others?

4. If you're a parent, consider how you're modeling honor for your children. Are you speaking respectfully about your own parents? Are you teaching your children to honor you in age-appropriate ways?

5. Reflect on how your relationship with your parents has shaped your view of God as Father. Are there areas where you need to allow the truth of God's perfect fatherhood to heal wrong perceptions from your earthly parents?

Remember, honoring our parents isn't always easy, but it's always important. It's a command that carries with it the promise of blessing – not just for us individually, but for our families, our communities, and our society as a whole. As we've seen, the fifth commandment is rich with meaning and profoundly relevant to our lives today. It's not just about children obeying parents, but about recognizing the God-given importance of family relationships, passing on wisdom and faith from generation to generation, and ultimately, reflecting the character of God in our family dynamics.

Whether our family situations are ideal or deeply challenging, this commandment calls us to honor – to give weight and significance to – the role of parents and parental figures in our lives. It invites us to see our family relationships not just as personal matters, but as having significance for our entire community and our witness as followers of Christ.

As we seek to live out this commandment, let's remember that we're not doing it in our own strength. We have the example of Christ, who perfectly honored both His heavenly Father and His earthly parents. We have the power of the Holy Spirit, who can enable us to honor even when it's difficult. And we have the grace of God, which covers our failures and gives us new starts when we fall short.