Must I forgive those who refuse forgiveness?
In October 2006, a man walked into a one-room Amish schoolhouse in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania. He let the boys go, lined up the girls, and opened fire. Five of them died. Five more were seriously wounded. Then he turned the gun on himself.
As the country tried to process the horror, the Amish community responded in a way no one expected. Just hours after the shooting, they reached out to the gunman's family—not with anger, but with compassion. They offered forgiveness. Some even attended his funeral. Donations meant for the Amish victims were shared with the shooter's widow and children. People didn’t know what to do with that. News outlets called it shocking. Some called it unbelievably strong. Others said it was too much—that forgiveness, in this case, felt wrong.
Was this an extraordinary example of moral strength?
At the end of the day - it’s not just a story about one tragedy, but it forces a bigger question: What does it really mean to forgive? When someone does the unthinkable—hurts your child, destroys a life (or multiple)—should forgiveness still be on the table? Or is there a line that, once crossed, makes it impossible?
Welcome back to Word for Word, I'm Austin Duncan. Over the past few months, we've been diving deep into questions that people have about Christianity, faith, and the Bible. Today, we're tackling a question that touches all of our lives in one way or another: "Must I forgive those who refuse forgiveness?"
It's a question I've wrestled with personally, and one I've heard from so many people in pastoral ministry. You've been hurt – perhaps deeply, perhaps repeatedly – and the person who hurt you shows no remorse. Maybe they've denied any wrongdoing. Maybe they've blamed you. Maybe they continue the same harmful behavior. In these painful situations, is forgiveness still required? Is it even possible?
This question isn't just personal – it's profoundly spiritual, touching the very heart of the Christian gospel. How we understand forgiveness shapes how we experience grace in our own lives and extend it to others. It impacts our relationships, our mental health, and our spiritual growth.
Today, I want to help us navigate this challenging terrain by exploring what biblical forgiveness actually is, what it isn't, and how we can practice it even in the most difficult circumstances. Whether you're currently struggling to forgive someone or simply want to understand this core Christian principle better, my hope is that you'll walk away with both theological clarity and practical guidance.
Understanding Biblical Forgiveness
Before we can answer whether we must forgive those who refuse forgiveness, we need to understand what forgiveness actually is from a biblical perspective. And to do that, I find it helpful to start by clarifying what forgiveness is not.
What Forgiveness Is NOT
Forgiveness is not pretending you weren't hurt. Some of us grew up with the message that good Christians just "get over it" when they're wronged. We might have been taught that acknowledging pain means we're not spiritual enough or that we lack faith. But that's not biblical forgiveness. Throughout Scripture, we see honest expressions of pain – just read the Psalms, where David often cries out about those who have wounded him. In Psalm 55:12-14, he writes:
"It is not an enemy who taunts me—then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. We used to take sweet counsel together; within God's house we walked in the throng."
David doesn't minimize the betrayal or pretend it didn't hurt. True forgiveness begins with honesty about the wound.
Forgiveness is not excusing the offense. When we forgive, we're not saying what happened was okay or that it doesn't matter. We're not finding justifications for harmful behavior. In fact, forgiveness is only necessary because something wrong happened – something that can't be excused away. As C.S. Lewis wisely noted, "To forgive for the moment is not difficult. But to go on forgiving, to forgive the same offense again every time it recurs to the memory—that's the real tussle."
Forgiveness is not automatically restoring trust. This is where many Christians get confused. They believe that forgiveness means immediately acting as if the offense never happened and returning to the relationship without any changes. But that's not what we see in Scripture. Trust is rebuilt over time through changed behavior. Forgiveness can be given immediately, but trust must be earned.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. You've probably heard the phrase "forgive and forget," but that's not actually biblical. The idea of God "forgetting" our sins in passages like Hebrews 8:12 is a metaphor for not holding those sins against us, not literal amnesia. As humans with finite brains, we simply can't will ourselves to forget significant events. Forgiveness doesn't require forgetting; it transforms our relationship to the memory.
Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation. This is perhaps the most important distinction. Forgiveness is something you can do unilaterally – it's about your heart and your choice. Reconciliation, on the other hand, requires both parties' participation. It requires the offender to acknowledge the wrong, repent, and change behavior. While forgiveness often opens the door to reconciliation, they are not the same thing. We'll dig more into this important distinction later.
What Forgiveness IS
So if that's what forgiveness is not, what is it? The Greek word most commonly translated as "forgive" in the New Testament is "aphiēmi" (ἀφίημι), which literally means "to send away" or "to release." Think of it as releasing a debt – the person owes you something (an apology, restitution, changed behavior), but you choose to cancel that debt.
Biblical forgiveness includes these key elements:
A decision, not just a feeling. Forgiveness begins as a choice, not an emotion. It's deciding to release someone from the debt they owe you, even when your feelings haven't caught up. The feelings often follow the decision, not the other way around.
Releasing the right to revenge. In Romans 12:19, Paul writes, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.'" Forgiveness means surrendering our desire to get even or see the other person suffer for what they did to us.
A process, not a one-time event. For significant hurts, forgiveness is rarely instantaneous. It's more like peeling an onion – there are layers to work through. You might need to forgive the same offense multiple times as new layers of hurt reveal themselves. That's normal and doesn't mean you failed at forgiveness the first time.
A reflection of God's character. Throughout the Bible, God is described as "merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness" (Exodus 34:6). When we forgive, we reflect God's character to the world.
A participation in the gospel. At its core, forgiveness is central to the Christian message. We have been forgiven an immeasurable debt through Christ's sacrifice. As Jesus taught in the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35), having received such forgiveness, we are called to extend it to others.
God's Model of Forgiveness
To understand forgiveness fully, we need to look at God's example. His forgiveness is our pattern. But here's where it gets nuanced – does God forgive unconditionally, without repentance? The evidence suggests a careful "yes and no."
On one hand, we see Jesus on the cross praying, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). This suggests a heart of forgiveness even toward those who weren't asking for it.
On the other hand, we see passages like 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." This suggests that God's forgiveness in the full sense – including reconciliation and restoration of relationship – is connected to confession and repentance.
So what's happening here? I believe God always has a heart posture of forgiveness – He is always willing to forgive and desires reconciliation with every person. But the full experience of that forgiveness, including restored relationship with Him, requires our participation through repentance. God doesn't force reconciliation on those who don't want it. He respects human choice, even when that choice is to remain separated from Him.
This divine pattern gives us a framework for understanding our own forgiveness. We can always maintain a heart willing to forgive, while recognizing that full reconciliation depends on the other person's response.
Human Limitations in Forgiveness
As we consider God's perfect model of forgiveness, we must also acknowledge our human limitations. We are not God. We don't have His perfect wisdom, His perfect love, or His perfect ability to see into human hearts. Our forgiveness will be imperfect because we are imperfect.
This doesn't excuse us from the call to forgive, but it should give us grace for the process. Sometimes forgiveness takes time. Sometimes we think we've forgiven only to find anger resurfacing. Sometimes we struggle to balance forgiveness with healthy boundaries.
According to a 2019 Barna Group study, about 23% of practicing Christians have a person they "just can't forgive." If you're in that place, I want you to know you're not alone. Your struggle doesn't make you a failure as a Christian. It makes you human.
But here's the good news: God doesn't leave us to figure out forgiveness on our own. He gives us His Spirit, His Word, and His community to help us grow in this area. The same study found that those who regularly practiced spiritual disciplines like prayer and Scripture reading reported higher levels of forgiveness.
The Forgiveness Process
Now that we've established what forgiveness is and isn't, let's talk about the practical process of forgiving, especially when the other person refuses to acknowledge the wrong or ask for forgiveness.
Acknowledging the Hurt
The journey of forgiveness begins with honesty – you can't forgive what you haven't acknowledged. Many of us, especially those raised in Christian environments, have learned to minimize or deny our pain. We might say things like "It wasn't that bad" or "Other people have it worse" or "I shouldn't be upset about this."
But biblical forgiveness doesn't start with denial; it starts with truth. The Psalms are filled with honest expressions of pain, anger, and even desires for vengeance. These raw emotions are brought before God, not suppressed.
So the first step is to acknowledge to yourself and to God what happened and how it affected you. Name the hurt specifically. Maybe write it down. Talk about it with a trusted friend or counselor. Let yourself feel the emotions that come with it.
This step can be painful, but it's essential. Buried hurt doesn't disappear – it festers and eventually surfaces in unhealthy ways. Bringing your pain into the light is the beginning of healing.
For deep wounds, particularly trauma or abuse, this process may require professional help. There's no shame in seeking a Christian counselor who can guide you through processing complex emotions. In fact, it's an act of courage and good stewardship of your emotional health.
Releasing the Right to Revenge
The next step in the forgiveness process is surrendering your desire for revenge. This doesn't mean you don't want justice – justice is important to God – but it means you're not appointing yourself as the one to execute that justice.
Romans 12:19-21 gives us clear guidance:
"Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.' To the contrary, 'if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Releasing the right to revenge means trusting God to deal justly with the person who hurt you. It means acknowledging that you don't have all the information – only God knows every factor that contributed to the person's actions, their heart state, and what consequences will best lead to repentance.
This release often happens as a decision before it happens as a feeling. You might need to regularly pray, "God, I give this person to you. I trust you to handle this situation justly." Over time, as you continue to make this choice, your emotions will begin to align with your decision.
Setting Appropriate Boundaries
Here's where many Christians get confused about forgiveness. They believe that forgiving someone means allowing that person continued access to hurt them. That's not biblical forgiveness; that's enabling harmful behavior.
Forgiveness and boundaries go hand-in-hand. In fact, good boundaries often make genuine forgiveness possible. When you know you're protected from future harm, it's easier to release past offenses.
Jesus himself modeled boundary-setting. He didn't entrust himself to everyone (John 2:24-25). He sometimes withdrew from crowds (Luke 5:16). He gave clear instructions to the disciples about shaking the dust off their feet when a town rejected them (Matthew 10:14).
What might boundaries look like practically? It depends on the situation:
It might mean limiting contact with the person who hurt you, especially if they continue the harmful behavior
It might mean having certain conversations only with a mediator present
It might mean requiring evidence of changed behavior before rebuilding trust
In extreme cases, it might mean ending the relationship entirely, particularly in abusive situations where safety is at risk
Boundaries aren't punishment; they're protection. They're not about making the other person suffer; they're about creating safety. Good boundaries actually benefit both parties – they protect you from harm and prevent the other person from adding to their own guilt by continuing harmful behavior.
Los Angeles Christian Counseling offers the following guidance on balancing forgiveness with boundaries: "Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to continue a relationship with them or trust them again... Setting healthy boundaries is an act of self-respect and can actually be an act of love toward the offender, preventing them from continuing to sin against you."
The Healing Journey
Forgiveness isn't the end of the story; it's part of a larger healing journey. Particularly for deep wounds, the path to complete healing often involves additional steps:
Processing grief. When someone hurts us, especially someone close to us, we often experience loss – loss of trust, loss of the relationship as it was, loss of expectations. It's appropriate to grieve these losses. The Bible never criticizes grief; rather, it acknowledges that there is "a time to weep" (Ecclesiastes 3:4).
Seeking support. God designed us for community. Sharing your forgiveness journey with trusted friends, family members, a pastor, or a counselor can provide needed perspective and encouragement. As Galatians 6:2 reminds us, we are to "bear one another's burdens."
Learning from the experience. Every painful experience, even betrayal, can teach us something valuable. This doesn't mean God caused the hurt, but it does mean He can redeem it for good. You might learn about red flags to watch for, how to set better boundaries, or even discover strength you didn't know you had.
Growing in compassion. Paradoxically, our own wounds, once healed, often become sources of compassion for others. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 tells us that God "comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Your forgiveness journey may eventually enable you to help others on the same path.
Remember that healing, like forgiveness, is usually a process rather than an event. Be patient with yourself. Progress may not be linear – you might have setbacks or days when the hurt feels fresh again. That's normal and doesn't mean you've failed.
The goal isn't to reach a point where the hurt never crosses your mind again. Rather, the goal is to reach a point where the hurt no longer controls you – where you can think about what happened without being overwhelmed by negative emotions, where you've integrated the experience into your life story in a way that contributes to your growth rather than stunting it.
Common Challenges in Forgiveness
Now that we've outlined the forgiveness process, let's address some of the most common challenges people face, particularly when the offender refuses to acknowledge the wrong or ask for forgiveness.
Unrepentant Offenders
One of the hardest forgiveness scenarios involves someone who doesn't believe they did anything wrong. They might deny the events entirely, minimize their impact, or blame you for their actions. How do you forgive someone who won't even acknowledge they hurt you?
First, recognize that their refusal to take responsibility doesn't change your call to forgiveness. Jesus didn't add a footnote saying, "Forgive others only if they apologize properly." In fact, the most powerful examples of forgiveness in Scripture involve people who weren't asking for it – like Jesus forgiving those crucifying Him or Stephen forgiving those stoning him (Acts 7:60).
Second, understand that forgiveness in this context is primarily for your benefit. By choosing to forgive, you're releasing yourself from the prison of bitterness, not necessarily changing the other person. As author Lewis B. Smedes put it, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."
Third, adjust your expectations. When someone refuses to acknowledge wrongdoing, the relationship will necessarily be different. You can forgive them in your heart while also acknowledging that close relationship may not be possible without their repentance. This isn't a failure of forgiveness; it's a recognition of reality.
The Gospel Coalition offers this perspective: "We can forgive in our hearts (relinquishing bitterness and extending love) without pardoning in a relational way (restoring intimacy and lifting consequences) when the offender has not repented... In other words, you can forgive and love someone you also hold accountable for their actions."
Ongoing Harm
Another common challenge is forgiving someone who continues to cause harm. Maybe it's a relative who repeatedly says hurtful things, a friend who consistently breaks promises, or a spouse who continues patterns of dishonesty.
In these situations, forgiveness doesn't mean accepting ongoing mistreatment. Remember our earlier discussion of boundaries – they become particularly important here.
When someone repeatedly causes harm without repentance, you may need to:
Clearly communicate how their behavior affects you
Establish consequences for continued harmful behavior
Limit interaction until behavior changes
In some cases, end the relationship if the harm is serious and persistent
This approach aligns with Jesus's teaching in Matthew 18:15-17, which outlines a process for addressing sin that includes consequences for those who refuse to repent.
At the same time, you can maintain a heart posture of forgiveness – being willing to fully reconcile if genuine repentance occurs, praying for the person, and releasing bitterness toward them.
Focus on the Family puts it this way: "Forgiveness doesn't mean we have to subject ourselves to further abuse... It is possible to have an internal attitude of forgiveness even when a relationship doesn't make sense because the offending person is dangerous. We can forgive from a distance."
Deep Trauma
Forgiveness can be particularly challenging in cases of severe trauma – abuse, violence, or profound betrayal. These experiences affect not just our emotions but our bodies, often triggering physiological responses like hypervigilance, flashbacks, or panic attacks.
If you've experienced this kind of deep trauma, please know that God sees your pain and doesn't expect you to just "get over it" quickly. Healing from trauma is complex and often requires professional help alongside spiritual support.
Christianity Today addresses this delicate topic: "For victims of trauma and abuse, forgiveness can't be forced or rushed. Healing must come first, and that healing is often a lengthy process requiring professional support. Faith communities should offer patience, understanding, and resources rather than pressure."
If this describes your situation, I encourage you to:
Be gentle with yourself and recognize that healing takes time
Seek help from a trauma-informed therapist, preferably one who integrates faith with their practice
Find safe spaces to tell your story and have it validated
Focus first on safety and healing, knowing that forgiveness will be part of your journey but may not be the first step
Remember that even Jesus bore the marks of His wounds after His resurrection. Healing doesn't always mean erasing all evidence of harm – sometimes it means finding new strength and purpose through our wounded places.
Justice vs. Mercy
Many people struggle with forgiveness because it seems to conflict with justice. If we forgive, aren't we letting the person "get away with" what they did? Doesn't forgiveness undermine accountability?
This tension between justice and mercy isn't unique to us – it's at the heart of the gospel itself. How could God be both perfectly just and perfectly merciful? The answer is found in the cross, where justice and mercy meet. Jesus pays the penalty that justice demands, allowing mercy to flow freely to those who accept it.
In our human relationships, we can likewise hold together justice and mercy:
We can forgive someone while also allowing natural or legal consequences to occur
We can have compassion for someone while still holding them accountable
We can pray for someone's redemption while also maintaining boundaries
Remember that true repentance includes accepting consequences. When King David repented of his sin with Bathsheba, he was forgiven by God (2 Samuel 12:13), but he still experienced consequences (2 Samuel 12:14). Forgiveness doesn't erase all temporal consequences of sin.
GotQuestions.org offers this perspective: "God's justice demands that sin be punished, but His mercy provides a way of redemption through Christ. Similarly, we can extend mercy through forgiveness while still acknowledging the reality of wrongdoing and its effects. We trust God to ultimately bring perfect justice, either through repentance and Christ's atonement or through final judgment."
Practical Steps Toward Forgiveness
Understanding the principles of forgiveness is important, but how do we actually do it, especially when it feels impossible? Let's explore some practical steps you can take toward forgiveness, even with those who refuse to acknowledge their wrongs.
Prayer Practices
Prayer is perhaps the most powerful tool in the forgiveness journey. Through prayer, we invite God into our pain and access His strength to do what feels impossible on our own.
Here are some specific prayer practices that can help:
Praying for the offender. Jesus commands us to "pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44). This doesn't mean praying that God will justify their actions or spare them from consequences. Rather, pray for their repentance, healing, and transformation. When we genuinely pray for someone's good, it becomes much harder to harbor bitterness toward them.
Prayers of lament. The Bible is full of lament prayers – honest expressions of pain, confusion, and even anger directed to God. Psalms like 13, 22, and 77 model this kind of raw prayer. When we bring our hurt to God without filtering it, we make space for His healing work.
Prayers of surrender. When you find yourself cycling through thoughts of revenge or repeatedly reliving the hurt, try a simple prayer of surrender: "God, I give this situation to you. I release my right to get even. Please bring justice and healing in your way and your time."
Prayers for your own heart. Ask God to help you see the offender through His eyes – not excusing their behavior, but recognizing their humanity and brokenness. Pray for the ability to separate the person from their actions, to hate the sin while still seeing the value of the sinner.
The Christian practice of "praying the Scriptures" can be particularly helpful here. For example, you might pray Ephesians 4:31-32: "God, help me to put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander, along with all malice. Help me to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving, just as you in Christ have forgiven me."
Boundary Setting
We've talked about the importance of boundaries, but how do you actually set them? Here are some practical steps:
Identify what needs to change. Get specific about the behaviors that are causing harm. Instead of a vague "She always hurts me," identify exactly what actions are problematic: "She makes critical comments about my parenting in front of the children."
Decide what consequences you can enforce. Effective boundaries include consequences you can control, not threats designed to control the other person. For example, "If you criticize my parenting in front of the children, I will end the visit and leave," is a boundary you can enforce. "If you criticize my parenting, you'll never see the grandkids again," is usually an empty threat that creates more conflict.
Communicate clearly and calmly. When possible, explain your boundaries directly to the person in a non-accusatory way. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements: "I feel undermined when parenting decisions are criticized in front of the children, so I need those conversations to happen privately."
Be consistent. Boundaries only work if you consistently enforce them. If you sometimes allow the boundary to be crossed without consequence, you teach the other person that you don't really mean what you say.
Adjust as needed. Boundaries aren't set in stone. As circumstances change or as the other person demonstrates growth, you may adjust your boundaries accordingly.
Crosswalk.com notes that "Jesus himself set boundaries. He withdrew from crowds, limited his availability, and clearly communicated expectations. Setting boundaries isn't un-Christian; it's following Christ's example of wise stewardship of time, energy, and relationships."
Support Systems
Forgiveness, especially of deep hurts, isn't meant to be a solo journey. We need others to support us, provide perspective, and remind us of truth when our emotions cloud our thinking.
Here are some key elements of a healthy support system:
Trusted friends or family members. Look for people who will listen without judgment, who can keep confidences, and who will speak truth in love. Avoid those who inflame your anger or encourage revenge.
Church community. Small groups, Bible studies, or support groups specific to your situation can provide both practical help and spiritual encouragement. Healing happens in community.
Professional help when needed. A Christian counselor or therapist can offer specialized tools for processing trauma, managing emotions, and developing healthy relationship patterns. Seeking professional help isn't a sign of weak faith; it's wise stewardship of your mental and emotional health.
Accountability partners. Sometimes we need someone who will gently challenge us when we're slipping back into bitterness or victimhood. An accountability partner can help keep us oriented toward growth and healing.
Focus on the Family emphasizes the importance of support: "Forgiveness doesn't mean facing pain alone. Jesus never intended us to bear our burdens in isolation. Seek support from mature believers who understand the complexity of forgiveness and can walk alongside you with compassion and wisdom."
Growth Markers
How do you know if you're making progress in your forgiveness journey? Here are some signs of growth to look for:
Decreased emotional intensity. While you may still remember what happened, the memory loses its sting over time. You can think or talk about the incident without being overwhelmed by anger or pain.
Seeing the offender as a whole person. Rather than defining the person entirely by what they did to you, you're able to recognize their humanity – their brokenness, their own wounds, their potential for change.
Freedom from obsessive thoughts. You spend less time replaying the offense or imagining scenarios of revenge or confrontation.
Wishing good for the offender. This doesn't mean wanting them to escape consequences, but genuinely hoping for their repentance and restoration.
Finding meaning in the experience. You can identify ways you've grown through the process or how God has used the painful experience to develop your character or ministry to others.
Peace that surpasses understanding. Even if circumstances haven't changed, you experience the "peace of God, which surpasses all understanding" (Philippians 4:7) as you surrender the situation to Him.
Los Angeles Christian Counseling suggests tracking these markers over time: "Consider journaling your forgiveness journey. Note your feelings, triggers, and growth moments. Looking back at earlier entries often reveals progress you might not otherwise notice."
Remember that growth in forgiveness isn't usually linear. You might take two steps forward and one step back. That's normal and doesn't mean you're failing. Each time you choose forgiveness over bitterness, you're strengthening that spiritual muscle.
Application: Personal and Spiritual Growth
As we wrap up our exploration of forgiveness, let's focus on applying these principles to your specific situation. Whether you're dealing with a recent wound or a long-standing hurt, these insights can help you move forward on your forgiveness journey.
Personal Growth Through Forgiveness
Forgiveness isn't just something we do for the other person; it's a pathway to our own healing and growth. Here are some ways to approach forgiveness as a personal growth opportunity:
Processing emotions healthily. Rather than suppressing difficult emotions, acknowledge them and express them in constructive ways. Journal about your feelings, create art that expresses your experience, or talk with a trusted friend. Emotions that are acknowledged and processed lose their power to control us.
Finding meaning in suffering. While God doesn't cause our pain, He can redeem it. Ask yourself: How has this difficult experience shaped me? What have I learned about myself, others, or God? What strengths or insights have I gained that I wouldn't have otherwise?
Developing empathy. Our own wounds often become windows into others' pain. As you work through forgiveness, you may find yourself better able to understand and connect with others who are hurting. This increased empathy enriches your relationships and can open doors for ministry.
Practicing self-compassion. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend going through the same situation. Recognize that healing takes time and that setbacks are normal. Celebrate small victories in your forgiveness journey rather than focusing only on how far you still have to go.
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Learning to protect yourself while still remaining open to relationship is a valuable life skill. The boundaries you develop through your forgiveness journey will serve you in all your relationships.
Spiritual Development Through Forgiveness
Forgiveness is also a spiritual discipline that deepens our relationship with God and transforms us to be more like Christ. Here are some spiritual practices to incorporate into your forgiveness journey:
Scripture meditation. Spend time reflecting on passages about forgiveness, such as Matthew 18:21-35 (the parable of the unforgiving servant), Colossians 3:12-13 (bearing with one another and forgiving), or Ephesians 4:31-32 (being kind and tenderhearted, forgiving as Christ forgave us). Ask the Holy Spirit to illuminate these passages and apply them to your specific situation.
Forgiveness prayers. Develop a daily practice of prayer specifically focused on forgiveness. This might include confessing your own need for forgiveness, thanking God for His forgiveness toward you, and asking for help to forgive others. Even when you don't feel like forgiving, the act of praying for this grace can slowly transform your heart.
Community support. Share your forgiveness journey with your faith community. This might be in a small group, with a prayer partner, or through participation in a ministry focused on healing and recovery. As Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 reminds us, "Two are better than one... For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow."
Professional help when needed. Remember that seeking help from a Christian counselor or therapist isn't a sign of spiritual failure – it's an acknowledgment that we sometimes need specialized guidance for complex emotional wounds. Look for a professional who integrates faith with evidence-based therapeutic approaches.
Embracing the process. Spiritual growth, like forgiveness, is usually gradual. Just as Jesus used the metaphor of a seed growing (Mark 4:26-29) to describe the kingdom of God, your forgiveness journey may include seasons where growth is happening beneath the surface before it becomes visible. Trust the process and remain faithful in the spiritual practices that nurture forgiveness.
The forgiveness process often follows what Christian author Lewis B. Smedes described as a cycle of hurt, hate, healing, and coming together:
We acknowledge the hurt (truth)
We work through the natural anger and hate (honesty)
We experience healing as we choose to forgive (grace)
We may experience reconciliation if the other person reciprocates (restoration)
Even if the fourth stage never happens because the other person refuses to acknowledge the wrong, we can still experience the healing that comes from the first three stages.
Conclusion: The Transformative Power of Forgiveness
As we come to the end of our exploration of forgiveness, I want to return to the story I shared at the beginning – the Amish community that forgave the man who killed five of their children. Was their forgiveness naive or inspiring?
I believe their response reflects the radical, countercultural nature of the gospel. It wasn't about denying the magnitude of the wrong or suggesting that the killer's actions didn't matter. Rather, it was about refusing to be defined by hatred and vengeance. It was about choosing a different path – the path of Christ.
After the tragedy, one Amish father said, "I hope he's in heaven with our girls." Another reflected, "It's not right to hate, and we feel no hatred toward him."
Their forgiveness didn't erase their grief. It didn't bring their children back. It didn't even mean they fully understood why it happened. But it did free them from the prison of bitterness and allow them to continue living with hope and peace despite their devastating loss.
So must we forgive those who refuse forgiveness? Based on our exploration of Scripture and Christian teaching, I believe the answer is yes – but with important nuances:
We must cultivate a heart posture of forgiveness toward all who wrong us, even those who don't acknowledge it
This forgiveness is primarily about our relationship with God and our own spiritual and emotional health
Forgiveness doesn't always mean reconciliation, especially when the other person refuses to repent
Setting appropriate boundaries is often an essential part of the forgiveness process
The journey toward complete forgiveness may take time, particularly for deep wounds
We need God's grace, community support, and sometimes professional help along the way
If you're currently struggling to forgive someone who has hurt you deeply, I want to leave you with three encouragements:
First, be honest with God about where you are. If forgiveness feels impossible right now, tell Him that. He can handle your honesty, and real healing starts with truth.
Second, take one small step. Maybe that's praying for the person who hurt you, talking with a trusted friend about your struggle, or simply making the decision that you want to forgive even if you don't know how. Progress in forgiveness often happens one small choice at a time.
Third, remember that you're not alone in this journey. The same God who calls us to forgive empowers us to do it. As Philippians 2:13 reminds us, it is "God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." The very desire to forgive is evidence of His work in your heart.
Next Week
Next week, we'll be exploring spiritual gifts in our discussion on "What does it mean to say that the Holy Spirit is in you?" Until then, I encourage you to reflect on the forgiveness you've received through Christ and ask Him to help you extend that same grace to others – even those who refuse to acknowledge their wrongs. The journey of forgiveness is perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of Christian faith, but it's also one of the most transformative. When we choose to forgive – especially when it's difficult – we participate in the very heart of the gospel. We demonstrate to a watching world what God's grace looks like in human form.
As Lewis B. Smedes beautifully put it,
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."
May you experience that freedom, that peace, and that grace as you walk the path of forgiveness. And may you remember that you never walk it alone. So, thank you for joining me today on Word for Word. I'd love to hear your thoughts, questions, or experiences with forgiveness in the comments below. If this has helped you, please consider sharing it with someone who might need it.
